Team Togs: West Ham United FC

A friend of mine or shall I say an unpaid advisor on our beloved Colney Chic has harassed and threatened me to writing about West Ham since a conversation we had about West Ham's underlying paedophilic sub-text. Before I'm jumped by some Frodo-looking punk from Green Street*, let me redeem myself by saying that I wasn't the one who appointed Pedobear as your bloody mascot, and named him Bubbles out every darned choices in the world. Don't even try and turn this around on me by calling out on how ignorant I am. I know I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles. By heart too, bitch what? You're forever blowing Bubbles. Never took West Ham fans for furries but hey. 

Then came the new mascot, an anthropomorphic... hammer. Hammerhead, you call him. Shaking our heads forever in your direction, West Ham. Bet we know where you'd like that hammer -... well, let's scrub things a bit cleaner here and move on to the fashion before I scar you girls for life. The friend had mentioned on using West Ham's poor excuse for a mascot as inspiration and the only thing that came to mind was lolita-inspired fashion but feeling sorry for the team, I decided to go to an entirely different route but thought I'd start with that mental image for you ladies. 

Known for its hooliganism that started in the 60s and escalated in the 70s to 80s, West Ham United are still infamous for playing a significant part in organised football violence. A history of violence and racism are also well known in Upton Park. While it's irresponsible to pay tribute to this disgusting display of 'loyalty' - I did want to concentrate on the history of West Ham being associated with the iron and shipbuilding industry. Added with the hooliganism culture ever present in the Hammers' reputation, an anarchy-inspired outfit came to being. 

Our look is all about accessorising, the outfit itself consists of a simple nautical striped tee, coloured denim shorts and a structured biker waistcoat. We toughen up the look again with black studded biker boots and a statement necklace. Pile up some arm candy with different strand-based bracelets with charms associated with ships such as anchors and compass arrows. We finish the look with a claret-coloured throw around bag that can hold both your knuckle duster and Jack Daniels. Throw on a pair of 50-s inspired shades and you're good to go to fight those rotten Millwall tools. 

*A/N: In all honesty, Green Street Hooligans was a great movie. 

Tee, Nicole Farhi, £75

Waistcoat, Givenchy, £925

Shorts, Current/Elliott, £96

Bracelet (Red & blue), Alex Woo, £59.06/each

Bracelet (Yellow), ASOS (sold out) 

Bracelet (Black), M. Cohen, £108.20

Necklace, Jean Paul Gaultier, £674

Boots, Ash, £280

Shades, Dior, £430

Bag, Givenchy, £876.54 (colour not available) 

One True Look: David Villa/David Silva

While the idea of slash in football is common and amusing to most girls dwelling in the black hole that is the internet football fandom, there are those who completely disregard it and look at it in grave disgust. Just to give our two cents, The Colney Chic thinks man on man is abso-effing-lutely sexy. And if most men out there can openly say they are turned on by female on female fantasies - then what's the bloody difference for us sisters? Add something we're passionate about, and you've got yourself an unlimited quantity of mind erotica to survive off. I have a right to get off on manpiles, thank you very much. 

In addition to all that, One True Look is about challenging us further in what one can do when given such a trivial inspiration. Enter the OTP styling idea - and we start our series with the Davids of Valencia: David Villa and David Silva. While I'm not entirely familiar with this pairing, I admit it's always a joy to shout "über-gay" at the mention of them in a typical fangirling conversation. Take two stylistically-challenged Spaniards - load them up with offensive t-shirts written in sparkly fonts and possibly a whole crate of Rioja then you've got yourself a 21st century Romeo and Juliet. 

I struggled for the first half an hour and finally gave in and resorted to 'silvilla' tagged entries on tumblr. At that point I regretted ever asking what these two were all about - just one thing: OTT and proud of it. So I took the simplest can't-go-wrong uniform of jeans, blazer, and tee and gave it the Silvilla treatment. What happened was well.... a bunch of things. I'd like to say it's wearable - but trust me, I will shoot a bitch who gets out of the house looking like this - but then I got it completely right because that's mostly the reaction we get out of the two Davids in their off-duty drabs. 

We start with simple black skinnies that's not quite simple at all - with an old-washed look and panelled surface, it's probably already sitting in Alex Gerrard's closet. We pair it with a statement tee saying nothing but a classy "fuck off", cover with an ombre-treated leopard print blazer. We complete the look with high-heeled boots, purple-tinted aviators, cross and wing earrings, and your overly worn, tired, yet still forcing to be a must-have bag - Balenciaga City in Valencian orange. 

Jeans, Balmain, £645

Tee, Bamboo Linne, (item no longer available)

Blazer, Preen Line, £400

Boots, Dsquared2, price unavailable

Bag, Balenciaga, £958

Earrings, Emilio Pucci, £175

Sunglasses, Dior, £279

Matchday Moment: P.L.U.R. Plush

It's been a quiet two weeks around here and we only have ourselves to blame for that! Both Lia and I have been caught up in well - life in general, but weekend is almost here and it's time to produce some looks that have been in our minds for quite some time now. As always, I tend to have a tendency to start a post dump with a very bold outfit and after finding this gem of a jumper concept - I decided to do an apocalyptic-toxic-fluorescent-neon-zombie-chic look with still enough lady-like qualities to take home to your beau's mother.

After getting halfway through choosing skirts and shoes, I thought - no, really - this is an outfit I would definitely, for sure, rave in. This is an outfit that borrows inspirations from seedy underground Soho venues, Berlin's Love Parade, New York Fashion Week, and your grandmother's closet all at the same time - part disgustingly hipster and deliciously quirky - I decided to promote this outfit as your matchday uniform if you are off to a happening after party afterwards.

The zombie jumper, in my opinion, is to die for - while it may not be everyone's cup of tea - it is surely the highlight of this look. We pair it with a on-trend colour-block skirt and statement boots. Accessorise with fun pieces such as multi-spike earrings, gear-shaped ring in a bright colour, graphic clutch, and a rather controversial in your face tribute to the ecstasy-friendly rave culture with a gold-plated bracelet in the shape of 30mg, 50mg, and 100mg pills. This bracelet is also what I call an upgrade to those Kandi bracelets traded as gifts and tokens by Kandi Kids.

In true raver credo, we declare this outfit to promote: Peace. Love. Unity. Respect.

Jumper, Sexier Sweaters (concept only)
Skirt, Roksanda Illincic, £552.50
Boots, Alexander Wang, £202 (on sale)
Cosmetic case (here worn as a clutch), Kate Spade, £33.50
Earrings, ASOS, £6
Ring, Marni, £258
Bracelet, Fallon, £180 (on sale)

Team Togs: Manchester United FC

Let's cross over the channel back to our beloved Premier League to pay homage to a not so beloved team... at least for an Arsenal fan. I didn't find Manchester United particularly difficult to do as its colours and mascot are a great inspiration for a classy S&M chic look. As one of the most successful, if not, the most successful team England has nurtured and yes, it hurts for me to say that - there is no better way than to create a look that features edgy in-your-face pieces that resonates on what the team is all about. In the words of Ben Stiller on Dodgeball: We're better than you, and we know it.

Dubbed the "Red Devils" - Manchester United are certainly aware of their years of hard-earned success though not without its haters. As they say, the more successful you are, the more enemies you'll have. What is most irritating about Man U must be how they've learnt to embrace their haters and while you sit and bitch about their undeserved success, they laugh at your lack of. Gary Neville certainly comes to mind.

The colours of Man U reeks devilish tendencies, but it is easily one of my favourite colour combinations. Both black and red are strong colours that need no accompaniment when used in a solid piece. Combined together, they come to embody mystery, luxury, and controversy laced with evil. The outfit comprises of outstanding pieces that are truly bold in its own, but combined packs a mean punch to your fashion palette.

We are absolutely lusting over this heavy lace skirt in classic Valentino red that so happens to be Manchester red as well. While I attempted to downplay the skirt with a simple jersey tank, I thought why bother when you can pair it with an edgy sheer shirt by quirky Danish designers. My favourite piece however is the embroidered silk cape that reminds you of fabrics you can only find in a Chinese opium den.

Accessories are simple yet statement-making: a classic-shaped clutch in blood red and gold hardware, laced up booties a dominatrix would have on top of her Christmas list, and your classic Hermès collier de chien in full gold and rose and brown diamonds with a price tag as obscene as Sir Alex's mouth.

Cape, Alexander McQueen, £465
Skirt, Valentino, £1335
Blouse, Designers Remix Signature, £333
Clutch, Miu Miu, £450
Shoes, Alexander McQueen, £417.50 (on sale)
Cuff, Hermès, price upon request